


Loafing, Unlawful Citrus Use, and Other Lunch Activities at the Doctor's

by ModernWizard



Series: The Happy Famverse [14]
Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Dick Slick of Slick Ick & Sick, Digressions, F/M, Fluff, Gen, Get thee to a punnery!, Gratuitous Shakespearean allusions, Lunch, No comments from the groundlings!, Other, Puns & Word Play, Silly, The Master and Grace mutually dislike each other, Yaz tickets the Doctor and the Master, Yaz tries to restore order, but i digress, flying grapefruit, mini loaves, silliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-02
Updated: 2020-05-02
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:22:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23965336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ModernWizard/pseuds/ModernWizard
Summary: Meal time at the Doctor's is just an excuse for silly puns, illegal citrus projectiles, and improvisational word games.
Relationships: Grace O'Brien/Graham O'Brien, Thirteenth Doctor & Grace O'Brien, Thirteenth Doctor & Graham O'Brien, Thirteenth Doctor & Ryan Sinclair, Thirteenth Doctor & Yasmin Khan, Thirteenth Doctor/The Master (Dhawan)
Series: The Happy Famverse [14]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1694899
Kudos: 18





	Loafing, Unlawful Citrus Use, and Other Lunch Activities at the Doctor's

_ [INT. THE DOCTOR’S TARDIS. THE DOCTOR, THE MASTER, YAZ, RYAN, GRAHAM, and GRACE are sitting around the table, eating lunch. They’re all devouring mini loaves of something that smells kind of like banana lemon pound cake. THE DOCTOR is wearing a white chef’s toque that looks rather bread-shaped. A costume jewelry ruby brooch and a curling ostrich plume on the front give the toque the air of a decorated turban. A pair of goggles are wrapped around the base.] _

GRACE: These loaf things are great, Doctor!

GRAHAM: Mmmm hmmm, as usual, Doc!

THE DOCTOR  _ [beaming]: _ Yeah, I know.

RYAN: Why are they so small, though?

YAZ _ [to THE MASTER] _ : Have you been shrinking stuff again?

THE MASTER  _ [with mouth full]:  _ HMPH NNH NHH!  _ [Swallows.]  _ No! Why does that always come up? I swear — you’re obsessed with my TCE. Why would I shrink something that I’m obviously popping like candy?  _ [Eats six more in one go.] _

GRACE  _ [narrowing her eyes at THE MASTER] _ : Maybe you aren’t supposed to stick half a dozen in your mouth at a time. Just a thought.

THE MASTER  _ [glaring at GRACE] _ : Maybe you aren’t supposed to perform microsurgery on ‘em either. Just a thought. They’re like four centimeters long. You don’t have to slice ‘em like actual loaves of bread. Just a thought.

RYAN: C’mon, guys. Please don’t start.

THE MASTER: I didn’t start anything! Do I look like I start anything? No! I didn’t! My mouth was full.

YAZ: Pssssssst, just shut up.

GRAHAM: Okay, yeah, so why  _ are  _ they so small, Doc?

THE DOCTOR  _ [swallowing a half dozen, then looking around at everyone with a mischievous smirk]: _ Because they’re — wait for it — wait for it — wait for it — 

THE MASTER: But just don’t hold your breath because you’ll probably pass out by the time she gets to the punchline.

THE DOCTOR: Oi! Shut up!  _ [Whacks him on forearm.]  _ No comments from the groundlings.

THE MASTER: Oh! Groundlings! Wow! Well, I wasn’t aware we were at the Globe. But, now that we are, wasn’t there rather a lot of rude noise and food throwing to express opinions? Here! Here’s what I think of your performance!  _ [Launches grapefruit at THE DOCTOR.] _

THE DOCTOR  _ [deflecting flying fruit by putting plate up in front of face]: _ I’m calling the constabulary! The audience is getting restless.

GRACE: Hey PC Khan, I think that’s your cue.

YAZ  _ [in very official voice]:  _ All right, what seems to be the trouble here?

RYAN: Food fight.

GRAHAM: Attempted assault and battery with fruit.

GRACE  _ [picking up salt shaker]:  _ No, dear, this is a salt. How many times do I have to tell you?  _ [Shakes head.] _

THE DOCTOR  _ [somehow producing a car battery from one of her pockets]: _ And this is a battery.

YAZ: Okay, who’s the perp?

_ [THE DOCTOR, RYAN, GRAHAM, and GRACE all point at THE MASTER.] _

THE MASTER _ [to YAZ]: _ Oooooooh, have you got handcuffs this time?

_ YAZ: _ No. Don’t need ‘em. I’m issuing you a ticket.

_ THE MASTER:  _ For what?

_ YAZ:  _ Well, first of all, you were loitering.

THE MASTER _ [pointing his thumb at THE DOCTOR]:  _ What about her? She’s been just as, uh, loiter-y as I am, although slightly less noisy.

GRACE: You might even say she’s been.. _.loafing about. _

THE DOCTOR  _ [pointing to chef’s toque, which has a jewel on the front and a big plume, and goggles around base]:  _ I have my breadmaking hat on — and my goggles! I’m fully authorized!

YAZ: Oh for  _ loafing,  _ sure. But you were playing with a grapefruit. That’s one count of unlawful citrus use right there.

THE DOCTOR: I wasn’t using it! He threw it at me!

YAZ: That’s it. I’m writing you both up.  _ [Hands them napkins.] _ Here you go. Report to court next Tuesday at 9:00 AM sharp.

THE DOCTOR _ [angrily reading blank napkin]: _ This is outrageous! I’m gonna contest this!

GRAHAM: Uh oh, Doc, looks serious!

RYAN: You might need a lawyer.

THE MASTER  _ [leaning in suavely with a big fake grin]: _ And I just so happen to be one! Hello there! Dick Slick, Esq., here from Slick, Ick, & Sick. And I just so happen to have a specialty in tropical fruit!

YAZ: I’m pretty sure one defendant isn’t allowed to defend the other defendant. Conflict of interest or something.

GRACE: Well, you have to admit that it is an interesting conflict.

THE MASTER: None of this changes the fact, PC Khan, that you just served me with a napkin. Being an extremely expert JD, I can tell you that this napkin is  _ not  _ legally binding.

THE DOCTOR: No...but you have to admit that you could  _ [snicker snicker snicker] _ clean up your act. You’ve got crumbs all over your vest front. Tee hee!

THE MASTER: Yeah, well, you’re wearing a hat that looks like a loaf of bread. Therefore your argument is invalid.

RYAN: So, uh, what about the bread? Did we ever find out why it was so small?

THE DOCTOR  _ [jumping up and flinging her arms out]: _ BECAUSE IT’S SHORTBREAD!!!!!!!!!

YAZ, RYAN, GRAHAM, and GRACE: Oooooohhhhhhhh...

THE MASTER  _ [pointing out the door] _ : That’s it! Get thee to a punnery!


End file.
